living behind closed doors.

Greetings Fellow Travellers,

these trolls you know they seriously do a number on my brain.

Today I told a friend someone I love dearly that I'm Bi, I've known this lovely lady for almost ten years at least (if feels like we've known each other for centuries). But only now thousands of miles away did i pull the courage together to tell her.

why i ask myself?

the first time i came out of the closet, i told my mother, It started a  six month period of not being spoken too, and many many years of trying to fix it.

when I first realised I was attracted to the fairer sex, one of my main rules was I wouldn't tell my parents unless I'd found love, the one person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. On this note I met someone, who I was deeply attracted to and being my first real attraction, well the first one I acknowledged to myself, I decided to tell my mother.

Bearing in mind, of all the people in the world,I thought she would be OK with me accept me for who I am. I come from  a very big family, and I'm not the first nor will I be the last person to be attracted to the same sex. And my Mother has always accepted my cousins with open arms, never in a million years would I have expected her reaction when I told her.

I know its not fair on our parents, that the first thing they think of is that they did something wrong, but I know its not like that i didn't choose to be attracted to both, sex's. I didn't suddenly wake up and decided hey world, I'm going to choose the path of most resistance in my life. Where prejudice is likely to make my life even more difficult than t would have been if i just decided to stay on the Straight and narrow.

I think the worrying about how it affected my Mom, and how it has had some adverse affects on my life in the past has really left me feeling rather protective of my sexuality. but not only that of my myself. I have kept my life cloistered , compartmentalised into separate little boxes, My family, my friends, my faith, my sexuality, and me...

living away from home for so long and being separated from people whom I care for, for whom I would move heaven and earth for, both Family and friends, has helped me realise I've been living a half life.

It takes so much energy to keep everything separate, and at the same time while doing that I forget about the little person inside my body, she gets lost in the shuffle every time.

I am going home in December and the most important thing i keep thinking about is that I want to be open with everyone, to stop hiding.

My name is Jilli or Jewls, I am pagan, I am Bi, and I deeply love my family and my friends.

nothing in life is guaranteed. One of my favourite songs is "I never promised you a Rose garden", which is something i find very ironic, because although Roses are very beautiful, they still have thorns and cause pain.  much like life, we should always promise each other Rose gardens.

Life is beautiful, the good the bad and the painful... its all beautiful in its own way.

see the trolls have been tinkering because i think I've lost the plot to my post i started out wanting to say something about living behind closed doors and opening it new doors and here I'm talking about rose gardens... but you get the jist i think.

i want to live in a ROSE garden with my friends and family, with all the doors open , and no closets to be seen.

HUGS xxx


BRIGHTEST BLESSING TO ALL OF YOU


SWEETEST DREAMS


HUGS XXX