THERE COMES A TIME……..

Greetings fellow Travellers,


A lots been happening which has resulted in a very long arduous debate with the trolls. And in the end I had to agree with them…

There comes a time where one has to stop behaving like an ostrich, and just face the facts .

I’ll explain, don’t worry…. I’m just tired…

It’s a long story and started a very very long time ago, you could even say at conception. I’ve been in a deadly battle with forces within and without my body, evil forces attaching, laying siege, and ultimately conquering, barring a few minor victories, only to be followed by mortifying defeats again….

NO MORE I SAY …

YES YOU CAN HEAR THE ECHO!!!!!

REVOLUTION!!!!

Time to REVOLT, against these evil forces, against my mind, my perceptions, my body and yes my denial.

You see I’ve been battling my weight since I was born, being put on my first diet by the sisters in the clinic at three months old.

I think I’ve been on so many diets, if I could remember the names of them, I think possibly the Guinness book of records might be interested, sigh, cant help but laugh, a sad laugh non the less.

As a child even though I was overweight, and constantly being bullied by those with good intentions and those who just were by their nature “Bullies”, I was never ill. I could keep up to a degree with my brother who was Hyper to the degree that he would be on the go so much, when he sat down for dinner, given two minutes to stop and relax he’d pass out in his food …. Fast asleep. (Which in hind site is both cute and soo annoying).

Because I was bigger I was stronger, I’m not sure any of you remember Little Lotta , she is one of a cartoon character published by Harvey comics (Richie Rich, Casper etc). Growing up I was a lot like her, this little girl with no concept of how strong she was, but with a heart big enough to want to love the world…

Little Lotta

Until the day I overheard my parents arguing and my Dad shouting at my Mom, “SHE’S A LITTLE LOTTA!”, by the tone of his voice I knew he definitely didn’t consider this to be a good thing …and so the battle with how I perceived myself began in earnest.



So now happily armed with the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, I battled on constantly trying to keep everyone happy, trying to loose this “awful weight”, to fit the worlds perception of who I was supposed to be. Trying and failing at most diets my Mom put me on, I was a child … an excuse maybe…. Maybe not ....

Puberty was loads of fun, boys crushes and feeling inadequate, yup normal , but add in feeling like the Michelin man’s daughter. I was constantly on diet, swinging from fad diets to trying to starve myself, to yes, I even tried the vomiting thing …. Never succeeding at anything, and feeling like a total failure constantly. The longest period I managed with out food at all was 5 days, and how much did you loose in that period I hear one of the trolls asking …. A whole kilogram, you, 1000 grams… and I’d put it back on with more by the end of the 6th day. Now armed with age, hindsight and knowledge and maybe even a little wisdom ( don’t laugh, I’m sure it’s what you call it) , I now know all I was doing was laying the foundation for more harm, but again I was but a young’un , not an excuse but part of a learning curve.

Eventually you get to a point where you say, “FUCK IT!!” , I just can’t fit into that stupid round hole they trying to shove me into, I want it but if they cant accept me for who I am why should I even try …. I hear the trolls saying that’s what you told yourself, and I know it’s true.

I was so tired of constantly being on diet, of constantly feeling like I wasn’t like the rest of the world, I just wanted to be left alone to live my life and enjoy things other people enjoy. Green with envy that there are people out there who can eat what ever they want and it not have any affect on them, BUT as I grow older I realise that the window we view the world through is tainted our perceptions causes a lot of misunderstanding.

These people I see are active they can do things I could never do as I grew older. Yes they have their issues but we aren’t supposed to go through life without a few hills to climb.

Sorry I’m going a wee bit off track…. Ok ok already sorry just being moaned at by one of the trolls, …ALRIGHT ALREADY, I’ll get back on point… stupid troll

I mentioned above that when I was younger I was never sick because I was overweight, I didn’t suffer from high blood pressure or type two diabetes or any of these typically “OBESITY” (I really hate that word) diseases.

But going into puberty my hormones were definitely out of balance, and this escalated to the point that by the time I was 24 I didn’t have a proper cycle, I’d get to the point where I didn’t have a menstrual cycle for months and then have “a cycle from hell” which would literally last months. I was constantly anaemic, exhausted, I was loosing hair, BUT I was still gaining weight, I went from a size 18 to a 26 in a matter of 4 years and haven’t really been able to shift this… this was the beginning of almost 5 years of going from Doctor to Doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me… to sit in their offices and be told, drum roll……… its your weight.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Only just before my 30th birthday did I finally get a diagnosis… finally a Doctor looked at “ME” and not my weight. He tested my insulin levels and the results came back, his words “Your insulin level is high enough to kill an elephant!” , a normal insulin level should be 11 and mine was 52. I was mortified did this mean I was Diabetic, his explanation was NO, just that I had a disease called “Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome” PCOS for short. Our plan of action was a 6 month course of “Glucophage” (Metformin) and then retest the insulin levels, but also try and kick start my hormones so we could get my cycles right and stop the excessive swings between drought and (apologies but the only description that’s apt ) blood bath.

Six months later waiting for the results to the blood tests checking the insulin levels… been on Glucophage daily, been very good, I’m not normally good at taking tablets… and it made me feel terrible I was nauseous and dizzy constantly …. And the result came back 55, it had made no difference …Not to worry we have other ways of treating it…

So again armed with knowledge, that I was suffering from PCOS, and that I wasn’t diabetic we continued to battle this painfully annoying and irritating disease. All the time, no one mentioned anything about my weight being the cause, but a symptom.

I chose to cling to this as if my life depended on it. Clutching it to my heart like a child with a security blanket, this is all some horribly cruel “Universal” twist in my tale.

But even so, the treatments didn’t work, a few attempts to loose the weight to find a way to improve how I felt worked but they weren’t sustainable.

I eventually moved to the UK, thinking I needed a new start, but totally ignoring the fact that my health was not getting any better, it was actually secretly conspiring to push me to the edge of sanity.

All of my issues with PCOS, didn’t go away just because I moved to an island off the coast of Europe. They got worse, and eventually the tap broke and I ended up having to have a full hysterectomy. I don’t know why but I thought because everything had been removed that they symptoms of PCOS would go away, the hair loss and the weight…

I’m never going to have a child, but I’m really tired of all of a sudden realising that it feels like a child is sitting on my lap only to say nooo, that’s not a child that’s your belly … I know very warped …

But they didn’t, and somewhere in my head the realisation that I have been in serious denial for the last forever, was slowly starting to rise to the surface.

It was around the time of my operation that I realised that I was loosing feeling in my feet, I knew I was touching my feet because I could see I was doing it but I couldn’t feel it. At night I’d have these terrible electrical storms in my feet, with cramping and sudden sharp pains that would come wave after wave, and heaven help me if I stood on something. I might not have been able to feel it on the surface of my foot but deep down inside my foot, it felt like id just impaled my foot on the smallest stone. So I went from being a totally barefoot diva, I HATE SHOES and anything on my feet, to not being able to go without shoes or at the very least socks…

Eventually this became a serious worry, as the pains are escalating and the loss of feeling is getting worse, worrying enough to go to the GP and ask for a referral. After a few blood tests the GP referred me only after informing that I do have type 2 diabetes, and wait for it its because you are “OBESE” but that’s where her services have ended I was passed off to the Clinic nurse. No matter there is more to that part of the story ….

After being referred to and seeing three doctors, a rheumatologist and two neurologists, supplying the local vampire bank with enough viles to keep them going for a week, and going through some “SHOCKING” tests (literally), I have been referred to two more Specialist, another Neurologist and a Diabetes specialist, because they still don’t really know what’s causing this. But the main consensus is I’ve been diabetic for a long time, although they don’t quite know why my sugar hasn’t been a problem until recently. That the loss of sensation is probably linked to this somehow, and that I’ve got irreparable nerve damage in both feet ( I’ve lost 20% of my sense of touch on my feet). Added to this the nerve damage seems to have changed how my body controls my body temperature . I now only sweat on my face and head , from the neck up, and because it’s over compensating it goes berserk.

The end result : I’m Constantly in pain, terrified that I’m going to spring a leak and look like a weird modern fountain, to the point that I’m too embarrassed to go out in case , so guess where I am back at square one , feeling inadequate and abnormal.

This is where I realised that I’ve been doing the Ostrich manoeuvre , I’ve been totally in denial, I have to do something about my weight, yes they are not looking at “ME” and looking further than my exterior and jumping to a conclusion, but just maybe that conclusion does weigh in to the factoring.

So after coming home from the last neurologist on Monday (he was very nice to me, which is what I think pushed me over the edge, I know its hard to understand or explain) and spending the better part of the afternoon in tears, of anger, frustration, humiliation and despair I made a decision.

I found a diet program online here in the UK that offers a service they supply three balanced meals, support and they deliver. I signed up, I started today. So going to take it step by step and see if loosing weight makes any difference to the pains in my feet, my overall tiredness, and hopefully praying for a miracle here reverse the type 2 diabetes and get the feeling back in my feet, reset my body’s electrical circuit…

I will not be a negative ninny on this …

IF ONLY IN HOPE WE GO FORWARD, THEN IN FAITH WE LIVE.ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

I have to believe that coming to the UK was partly to get to this point.

Thank you for staying with me through this rather long winded BLOG … keep an eye out for “Little Lotta on GO-Lower” my other Blog about the diet process.



Brightest Blessings in LOve and LIght



Namaste’