Greetings fellow travellers....
tonights blog isnt about how the trolls in my head, but the pain in my heart, 2011 sucked majorly.
on the 30th of august 2011 at 8am my father passed away after being shunted and shoved from one hospital to the next for almost two and a half months.
i feel like there is a gapping whole in my universe, i keep wanting to tell him things, or just go sit with him, even pluck his ear hair for him (yes i used to do that ... ). hear his voice, smell his smell... even just ly on the bed and put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat, while we watched tv and he sctached my head...
i'm 38 and yes i was a Daddies girl, but not in the way other Daddies girls are, we didnt really speak, not about the serious thing in life but if i was in trouble or just sad, he'd always make everything ok ...
the company ive been working for the last year, decided im not good enough to work for them so i got a letter on the 30 november telling me my last day would effectively be the 31/12/2011, if my Daddy was here even though this news really really sucks, he'd give me a hug and say i was too good for them, after going off about how could they, etc for a while. but he'd tell me everythings going to be alright... that they are here, they being my Mother and himself, we always stood together....
i need him soooo much now, i'm so scared of the future, it was supposed to be i come home to help my family out not my family ending up helping me out.
it was so hard watching hm get weaker and weaker until the end, but its harder without him ... im soo angry, but i dont know who im angry at more, me for taking so long to come home from the UK, the doctors who treated him, the nurses who bullied him, and our inability to prevent that, or GOD i actually think im angry at GOD, i know its selfish, and insane, but i wanted more time with him DAMMIT!!! i wanted to get to know him as the person i am, i wanted to ask him the important questions we could never really talk about because i always saw him as my Father and we loved each other immensly, but never really spoke about the meaning of life or what we believed. i know life is what happens when you are making other plans, but all i really wanted was to get to know the real Joal Sadinia Duarte, my Daddy.... I WANTED MORE TIME DAMMIT ....... eight months wasnt enough,
in the months before he died, Daddy kept saying im so glad you are home, and i'm so glad i was here too. my mom keeps telling me that he was so proud that i was coping over seas on my own ....... i just feel like i stole 5 years from us, 5 precious years.....
i miss you DADDY, i love you, Thank you for being the person you were good and bad.... i am forever grateful for everythimg that you taught, did and gave me.
i wish i could see you just one more time, i'd give you a hug and never let go .....
MISS YOU!!! LOVE YOU!!!! I'M STILL YOUR LITTLE GIRL!!
