Greetings my fellow travelers of the realm, its been a good few months since i last posted. The trolls have not been quiet, but mundane life has kept me busy enough to keep them at bay for a while. Yet they still have their impact.
As you know i've embarked on a weight loss exercise, for my health and my sanity, and for a long while i was doing very well, i managed to loose 17kg, started going to the gym and even swam 50 laps of 25m pool at one stage. Rather impressive if i do say so myself, coming from a confirmed couch potato when i started.
BUT
People started noticing me, and saying how good i was looking and in the beginning that was soo totally amazing, it kinda spurred me on, but eventually it got a bit overwhelming... yes this is my fault because i was posting my progress on facebook, but the pressure level, went from manageable to pressure cooker level... it felt like if i failed (which lets face it the trolls keep chirping in the background, at this you USUALLY DO!), i would have let all those people down, who have been supporting me and encouraging me. Who are Proud of me for a change....
so eventually little things, subconsciously i started self sabotaging myself, one bite wont hurt, ok so i'm not on diet today but i'll start again tomorrow. ok so i'm not on diet again today but i will start tomorrow...eventually almost four months later and at least half of what i lost put on again... i have to look in the mirror and say ....DO YOU WANT TO PROVE THE TROLLS RIGHT?
NO!!
ok then , why are you so scared of actually succeeding? why are you so scared of allowing people in? You know that your fat is your defense system! i keep asking myself this and i know the answer but its so stupid...
I'm terrified of rejection, and of disappointing people, which sounds so odd, specially if you consider that by my self sabotaging i am disappointing people.( will explain )
Regarding the disappointing people, the trolls have instilled a sense of knowing that people around me expect me to fail at this, and subconsciously i seem to agree with them so that in itself, somehow gives me permission to go ahead and fail.. warped i know but ...
And then there is this one really stupid little gem, there is this young gentleman, who is so wonderful, i'm sure he has his faults, but i cannot see them, who treats me nicely. there is a warm energy between us, i might even risk the wrath of the universe and say (cross fingers) an attraction (hope and pray). but here are "my" issues, he's younger than me, about 14 years, he's never been married and has no children, i know jumping the gun, but i cannot give him that if he should want them, and then theres this.... no matter what i learnt about men in the UK, that there are men out there who like large woman, i still cant get my head around the fact that not all men see the shell but look within, and yes i know its a total disrespect to him to make the assumption that he is like other men and will eventually hurt me... i realised the other day that the majority of my weight i've put on in the last few weeks, is mainly because i'm scared ...terrified of putting myself in a situation where someone would want me for the person i am, and not for what they could get from me.
I really hate myself sometimes, that i'm such a coward, but the saying goes "better the devil you know that the devil you don't know".
but haveing said all this i still do not want to prove the trolls right. so i'm going to do my damnedest to get over myself and succeed on this journey. no matter how uncomfortable it will end up being, i need to get to the other side.
If only in Hope we go forward, then in Faith we live. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
I have to believe that.
Namaste'
