Greetings my fellow travelers of the realm, its been a good few months since i last posted. The trolls have not been quiet, but mundane life has kept me busy enough to keep them at bay for a while. Yet they still have their impact.
As you know i've embarked on a weight loss exercise, for my health and my sanity, and for a long while i was doing very well, i managed to loose 17kg, started going to the gym and even swam 50 laps of 25m pool at one stage. Rather impressive if i do say so myself, coming from a confirmed couch potato when i started.
BUT
People started noticing me, and saying how good i was looking and in the beginning that was soo totally amazing, it kinda spurred me on, but eventually it got a bit overwhelming... yes this is my fault because i was posting my progress on facebook, but the pressure level, went from manageable to pressure cooker level... it felt like if i failed (which lets face it the trolls keep chirping in the background, at this you USUALLY DO!), i would have let all those people down, who have been supporting me and encouraging me. Who are Proud of me for a change....
so eventually little things, subconsciously i started self sabotaging myself, one bite wont hurt, ok so i'm not on diet today but i'll start again tomorrow. ok so i'm not on diet again today but i will start tomorrow...eventually almost four months later and at least half of what i lost put on again... i have to look in the mirror and say ....DO YOU WANT TO PROVE THE TROLLS RIGHT?
NO!!
ok then , why are you so scared of actually succeeding? why are you so scared of allowing people in? You know that your fat is your defense system! i keep asking myself this and i know the answer but its so stupid...
I'm terrified of rejection, and of disappointing people, which sounds so odd, specially if you consider that by my self sabotaging i am disappointing people.( will explain )
Regarding the disappointing people, the trolls have instilled a sense of knowing that people around me expect me to fail at this, and subconsciously i seem to agree with them so that in itself, somehow gives me permission to go ahead and fail.. warped i know but ...
And then there is this one really stupid little gem, there is this young gentleman, who is so wonderful, i'm sure he has his faults, but i cannot see them, who treats me nicely. there is a warm energy between us, i might even risk the wrath of the universe and say (cross fingers) an attraction (hope and pray). but here are "my" issues, he's younger than me, about 14 years, he's never been married and has no children, i know jumping the gun, but i cannot give him that if he should want them, and then theres this.... no matter what i learnt about men in the UK, that there are men out there who like large woman, i still cant get my head around the fact that not all men see the shell but look within, and yes i know its a total disrespect to him to make the assumption that he is like other men and will eventually hurt me... i realised the other day that the majority of my weight i've put on in the last few weeks, is mainly because i'm scared ...terrified of putting myself in a situation where someone would want me for the person i am, and not for what they could get from me.
I really hate myself sometimes, that i'm such a coward, but the saying goes "better the devil you know that the devil you don't know".
but haveing said all this i still do not want to prove the trolls right. so i'm going to do my damnedest to get over myself and succeed on this journey. no matter how uncomfortable it will end up being, i need to get to the other side.
If only in Hope we go forward, then in Faith we live. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
I have to believe that.
Namaste'
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Monday, 11 October 2010
DAMN TROLLS!!!
DAMN TROLLS!!!
Hi fellow travellers,
I’ve been away for a while, been busy with life in general, and the trolls have been relatively quiet until NOW.
I’ve had a special hair piece made for me, and it really if i'm totally honest with myself, is gorgeous … it’s made me look and feel WONDERFUL.
I’m getting soo many compliments about how pretty it is and good it makes me look. But I find myself sitting here at my desk wanting to run away and hide. I’m a bit overwhelmed, and the damn trolls keep whispering… the shoes going to drop. Someone’s going to turn around and say you look stupid or tease you about the wig… and you know its soo obvious….
I suddenly just want to cry because, I feel so exposed and every time someone says something nice, I hear the “what do you really mean” in my head….
I know these are all my projections … and I also know it looks good…. It’s allowing myself to believe it, that i’m having problems with…
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not have to hide away… I DESERVE THIS …
But why can’t I allow myself it?
DAMN TROLLS !!!!
Hi fellow travellers,
I’ve been away for a while, been busy with life in general, and the trolls have been relatively quiet until NOW.
I’ve had a special hair piece made for me, and it really if i'm totally honest with myself, is gorgeous … it’s made me look and feel WONDERFUL.
I’m getting soo many compliments about how pretty it is and good it makes me look. But I find myself sitting here at my desk wanting to run away and hide. I’m a bit overwhelmed, and the damn trolls keep whispering… the shoes going to drop. Someone’s going to turn around and say you look stupid or tease you about the wig… and you know its soo obvious….
I suddenly just want to cry because, I feel so exposed and every time someone says something nice, I hear the “what do you really mean” in my head….
I know these are all my projections … and I also know it looks good…. It’s allowing myself to believe it, that i’m having problems with…
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not have to hide away… I DESERVE THIS …
But why can’t I allow myself it?
DAMN TROLLS !!!!
Thursday, 29 July 2010
THERE COMES A TIME……..
Greetings fellow Travellers,
A lots been happening which has resulted in a very long arduous debate with the trolls. And in the end I had to agree with them…
There comes a time where one has to stop behaving like an ostrich, and just face the facts .
I’ll explain, don’t worry…. I’m just tired…
It’s a long story and started a very very long time ago, you could even say at conception. I’ve been in a deadly battle with forces within and without my body, evil forces attaching, laying siege, and ultimately conquering, barring a few minor victories, only to be followed by mortifying defeats again….
NO MORE I SAY …
YES YOU CAN HEAR THE ECHO!!!!!
REVOLUTION!!!!
Time to REVOLT, against these evil forces, against my mind, my perceptions, my body and yes my denial.
You see I’ve been battling my weight since I was born, being put on my first diet by the sisters in the clinic at three months old.
I think I’ve been on so many diets, if I could remember the names of them, I think possibly the Guinness book of records might be interested, sigh, cant help but laugh, a sad laugh non the less.
As a child even though I was overweight, and constantly being bullied by those with good intentions and those who just were by their nature “Bullies”, I was never ill. I could keep up to a degree with my brother who was Hyper to the degree that he would be on the go so much, when he sat down for dinner, given two minutes to stop and relax he’d pass out in his food …. Fast asleep. (Which in hind site is both cute and soo annoying).
Because I was bigger I was stronger, I’m not sure any of you remember Little Lotta , she is one of a cartoon character published by Harvey comics (Richie Rich, Casper etc). Growing up I was a lot like her, this little girl with no concept of how strong she was, but with a heart big enough to want to love the world…
Until the day I overheard my parents arguing and my Dad shouting at my Mom, “SHE’S A LITTLE LOTTA!”, by the tone of his voice I knew he definitely didn’t consider this to be a good thing …and so the battle with how I perceived myself began in earnest.
So now happily armed with the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, I battled on constantly trying to keep everyone happy, trying to loose this “awful weight”, to fit the worlds perception of who I was supposed to be. Trying and failing at most diets my Mom put me on, I was a child … an excuse maybe…. Maybe not ....
Puberty was loads of fun, boys crushes and feeling inadequate, yup normal , but add in feeling like the Michelin man’s daughter. I was constantly on diet, swinging from fad diets to trying to starve myself, to yes, I even tried the vomiting thing …. Never succeeding at anything, and feeling like a total failure constantly. The longest period I managed with out food at all was 5 days, and how much did you loose in that period I hear one of the trolls asking …. A whole kilogram, you, 1000 grams… and I’d put it back on with more by the end of the 6th day. Now armed with age, hindsight and knowledge and maybe even a little wisdom ( don’t laugh, I’m sure it’s what you call it) , I now know all I was doing was laying the foundation for more harm, but again I was but a young’un , not an excuse but part of a learning curve.
Eventually you get to a point where you say, “FUCK IT!!” , I just can’t fit into that stupid round hole they trying to shove me into, I want it but if they cant accept me for who I am why should I even try …. I hear the trolls saying that’s what you told yourself, and I know it’s true.
I was so tired of constantly being on diet, of constantly feeling like I wasn’t like the rest of the world, I just wanted to be left alone to live my life and enjoy things other people enjoy. Green with envy that there are people out there who can eat what ever they want and it not have any affect on them, BUT as I grow older I realise that the window we view the world through is tainted our perceptions causes a lot of misunderstanding.
These people I see are active they can do things I could never do as I grew older. Yes they have their issues but we aren’t supposed to go through life without a few hills to climb.
Sorry I’m going a wee bit off track…. Ok ok already sorry just being moaned at by one of the trolls, …ALRIGHT ALREADY, I’ll get back on point… stupid troll
I mentioned above that when I was younger I was never sick because I was overweight, I didn’t suffer from high blood pressure or type two diabetes or any of these typically “OBESITY” (I really hate that word) diseases.
But going into puberty my hormones were definitely out of balance, and this escalated to the point that by the time I was 24 I didn’t have a proper cycle, I’d get to the point where I didn’t have a menstrual cycle for months and then have “a cycle from hell” which would literally last months. I was constantly anaemic, exhausted, I was loosing hair, BUT I was still gaining weight, I went from a size 18 to a 26 in a matter of 4 years and haven’t really been able to shift this… this was the beginning of almost 5 years of going from Doctor to Doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me… to sit in their offices and be told, drum roll……… its your weight.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Only just before my 30th birthday did I finally get a diagnosis… finally a Doctor looked at “ME” and not my weight. He tested my insulin levels and the results came back, his words “Your insulin level is high enough to kill an elephant!” , a normal insulin level should be 11 and mine was 52. I was mortified did this mean I was Diabetic, his explanation was NO, just that I had a disease called “Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome” PCOS for short. Our plan of action was a 6 month course of “Glucophage” (Metformin) and then retest the insulin levels, but also try and kick start my hormones so we could get my cycles right and stop the excessive swings between drought and (apologies but the only description that’s apt ) blood bath.
Six months later waiting for the results to the blood tests checking the insulin levels… been on Glucophage daily, been very good, I’m not normally good at taking tablets… and it made me feel terrible I was nauseous and dizzy constantly …. And the result came back 55, it had made no difference …Not to worry we have other ways of treating it…
So again armed with knowledge, that I was suffering from PCOS, and that I wasn’t diabetic we continued to battle this painfully annoying and irritating disease. All the time, no one mentioned anything about my weight being the cause, but a symptom.
I chose to cling to this as if my life depended on it. Clutching it to my heart like a child with a security blanket, this is all some horribly cruel “Universal” twist in my tale.
But even so, the treatments didn’t work, a few attempts to loose the weight to find a way to improve how I felt worked but they weren’t sustainable.
I eventually moved to the UK, thinking I needed a new start, but totally ignoring the fact that my health was not getting any better, it was actually secretly conspiring to push me to the edge of sanity.
All of my issues with PCOS, didn’t go away just because I moved to an island off the coast of Europe. They got worse, and eventually the tap broke and I ended up having to have a full hysterectomy. I don’t know why but I thought because everything had been removed that they symptoms of PCOS would go away, the hair loss and the weight…
I’m never going to have a child, but I’m really tired of all of a sudden realising that it feels like a child is sitting on my lap only to say nooo, that’s not a child that’s your belly … I know very warped …
But they didn’t, and somewhere in my head the realisation that I have been in serious denial for the last forever, was slowly starting to rise to the surface.
It was around the time of my operation that I realised that I was loosing feeling in my feet, I knew I was touching my feet because I could see I was doing it but I couldn’t feel it. At night I’d have these terrible electrical storms in my feet, with cramping and sudden sharp pains that would come wave after wave, and heaven help me if I stood on something. I might not have been able to feel it on the surface of my foot but deep down inside my foot, it felt like id just impaled my foot on the smallest stone. So I went from being a totally barefoot diva, I HATE SHOES and anything on my feet, to not being able to go without shoes or at the very least socks…
Eventually this became a serious worry, as the pains are escalating and the loss of feeling is getting worse, worrying enough to go to the GP and ask for a referral. After a few blood tests the GP referred me only after informing that I do have type 2 diabetes, and wait for it its because you are “OBESE” but that’s where her services have ended I was passed off to the Clinic nurse. No matter there is more to that part of the story ….
After being referred to and seeing three doctors, a rheumatologist and two neurologists, supplying the local vampire bank with enough viles to keep them going for a week, and going through some “SHOCKING” tests (literally), I have been referred to two more Specialist, another Neurologist and a Diabetes specialist, because they still don’t really know what’s causing this. But the main consensus is I’ve been diabetic for a long time, although they don’t quite know why my sugar hasn’t been a problem until recently. That the loss of sensation is probably linked to this somehow, and that I’ve got irreparable nerve damage in both feet ( I’ve lost 20% of my sense of touch on my feet). Added to this the nerve damage seems to have changed how my body controls my body temperature . I now only sweat on my face and head , from the neck up, and because it’s over compensating it goes berserk.
The end result : I’m Constantly in pain, terrified that I’m going to spring a leak and look like a weird modern fountain, to the point that I’m too embarrassed to go out in case , so guess where I am back at square one , feeling inadequate and abnormal.
This is where I realised that I’ve been doing the Ostrich manoeuvre , I’ve been totally in denial, I have to do something about my weight, yes they are not looking at “ME” and looking further than my exterior and jumping to a conclusion, but just maybe that conclusion does weigh in to the factoring.
So after coming home from the last neurologist on Monday (he was very nice to me, which is what I think pushed me over the edge, I know its hard to understand or explain) and spending the better part of the afternoon in tears, of anger, frustration, humiliation and despair I made a decision.
I found a diet program online here in the UK that offers a service they supply three balanced meals, support and they deliver. I signed up, I started today. So going to take it step by step and see if loosing weight makes any difference to the pains in my feet, my overall tiredness, and hopefully praying for a miracle here reverse the type 2 diabetes and get the feeling back in my feet, reset my body’s electrical circuit…
I will not be a negative ninny on this …
IF ONLY IN HOPE WE GO FORWARD, THEN IN FAITH WE LIVE.ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
I have to believe that coming to the UK was partly to get to this point.
Thank you for staying with me through this rather long winded BLOG … keep an eye out for “Little Lotta on GO-Lower” my other Blog about the diet process.
Brightest Blessings in LOve and LIght
Namaste’
A lots been happening which has resulted in a very long arduous debate with the trolls. And in the end I had to agree with them…
There comes a time where one has to stop behaving like an ostrich, and just face the facts .
I’ll explain, don’t worry…. I’m just tired…
It’s a long story and started a very very long time ago, you could even say at conception. I’ve been in a deadly battle with forces within and without my body, evil forces attaching, laying siege, and ultimately conquering, barring a few minor victories, only to be followed by mortifying defeats again….
NO MORE I SAY …
YES YOU CAN HEAR THE ECHO!!!!!
REVOLUTION!!!!
Time to REVOLT, against these evil forces, against my mind, my perceptions, my body and yes my denial.
You see I’ve been battling my weight since I was born, being put on my first diet by the sisters in the clinic at three months old.
I think I’ve been on so many diets, if I could remember the names of them, I think possibly the Guinness book of records might be interested, sigh, cant help but laugh, a sad laugh non the less.
As a child even though I was overweight, and constantly being bullied by those with good intentions and those who just were by their nature “Bullies”, I was never ill. I could keep up to a degree with my brother who was Hyper to the degree that he would be on the go so much, when he sat down for dinner, given two minutes to stop and relax he’d pass out in his food …. Fast asleep. (Which in hind site is both cute and soo annoying).
Because I was bigger I was stronger, I’m not sure any of you remember Little Lotta , she is one of a cartoon character published by Harvey comics (Richie Rich, Casper etc). Growing up I was a lot like her, this little girl with no concept of how strong she was, but with a heart big enough to want to love the world…
 |
| Little Lotta |
Until the day I overheard my parents arguing and my Dad shouting at my Mom, “SHE’S A LITTLE LOTTA!”, by the tone of his voice I knew he definitely didn’t consider this to be a good thing …and so the battle with how I perceived myself began in earnest.
So now happily armed with the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, I battled on constantly trying to keep everyone happy, trying to loose this “awful weight”, to fit the worlds perception of who I was supposed to be. Trying and failing at most diets my Mom put me on, I was a child … an excuse maybe…. Maybe not ....
Puberty was loads of fun, boys crushes and feeling inadequate, yup normal , but add in feeling like the Michelin man’s daughter. I was constantly on diet, swinging from fad diets to trying to starve myself, to yes, I even tried the vomiting thing …. Never succeeding at anything, and feeling like a total failure constantly. The longest period I managed with out food at all was 5 days, and how much did you loose in that period I hear one of the trolls asking …. A whole kilogram, you, 1000 grams… and I’d put it back on with more by the end of the 6th day. Now armed with age, hindsight and knowledge and maybe even a little wisdom ( don’t laugh, I’m sure it’s what you call it) , I now know all I was doing was laying the foundation for more harm, but again I was but a young’un , not an excuse but part of a learning curve.
Eventually you get to a point where you say, “FUCK IT!!” , I just can’t fit into that stupid round hole they trying to shove me into, I want it but if they cant accept me for who I am why should I even try …. I hear the trolls saying that’s what you told yourself, and I know it’s true.
I was so tired of constantly being on diet, of constantly feeling like I wasn’t like the rest of the world, I just wanted to be left alone to live my life and enjoy things other people enjoy. Green with envy that there are people out there who can eat what ever they want and it not have any affect on them, BUT as I grow older I realise that the window we view the world through is tainted our perceptions causes a lot of misunderstanding.
These people I see are active they can do things I could never do as I grew older. Yes they have their issues but we aren’t supposed to go through life without a few hills to climb.
Sorry I’m going a wee bit off track…. Ok ok already sorry just being moaned at by one of the trolls, …ALRIGHT ALREADY, I’ll get back on point… stupid troll
I mentioned above that when I was younger I was never sick because I was overweight, I didn’t suffer from high blood pressure or type two diabetes or any of these typically “OBESITY” (I really hate that word) diseases.
But going into puberty my hormones were definitely out of balance, and this escalated to the point that by the time I was 24 I didn’t have a proper cycle, I’d get to the point where I didn’t have a menstrual cycle for months and then have “a cycle from hell” which would literally last months. I was constantly anaemic, exhausted, I was loosing hair, BUT I was still gaining weight, I went from a size 18 to a 26 in a matter of 4 years and haven’t really been able to shift this… this was the beginning of almost 5 years of going from Doctor to Doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me… to sit in their offices and be told, drum roll……… its your weight.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Only just before my 30th birthday did I finally get a diagnosis… finally a Doctor looked at “ME” and not my weight. He tested my insulin levels and the results came back, his words “Your insulin level is high enough to kill an elephant!” , a normal insulin level should be 11 and mine was 52. I was mortified did this mean I was Diabetic, his explanation was NO, just that I had a disease called “Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome” PCOS for short. Our plan of action was a 6 month course of “Glucophage” (Metformin) and then retest the insulin levels, but also try and kick start my hormones so we could get my cycles right and stop the excessive swings between drought and (apologies but the only description that’s apt ) blood bath.
Six months later waiting for the results to the blood tests checking the insulin levels… been on Glucophage daily, been very good, I’m not normally good at taking tablets… and it made me feel terrible I was nauseous and dizzy constantly …. And the result came back 55, it had made no difference …Not to worry we have other ways of treating it…
So again armed with knowledge, that I was suffering from PCOS, and that I wasn’t diabetic we continued to battle this painfully annoying and irritating disease. All the time, no one mentioned anything about my weight being the cause, but a symptom.
I chose to cling to this as if my life depended on it. Clutching it to my heart like a child with a security blanket, this is all some horribly cruel “Universal” twist in my tale.
But even so, the treatments didn’t work, a few attempts to loose the weight to find a way to improve how I felt worked but they weren’t sustainable.
I eventually moved to the UK, thinking I needed a new start, but totally ignoring the fact that my health was not getting any better, it was actually secretly conspiring to push me to the edge of sanity.
All of my issues with PCOS, didn’t go away just because I moved to an island off the coast of Europe. They got worse, and eventually the tap broke and I ended up having to have a full hysterectomy. I don’t know why but I thought because everything had been removed that they symptoms of PCOS would go away, the hair loss and the weight…
I’m never going to have a child, but I’m really tired of all of a sudden realising that it feels like a child is sitting on my lap only to say nooo, that’s not a child that’s your belly … I know very warped …
But they didn’t, and somewhere in my head the realisation that I have been in serious denial for the last forever, was slowly starting to rise to the surface.
It was around the time of my operation that I realised that I was loosing feeling in my feet, I knew I was touching my feet because I could see I was doing it but I couldn’t feel it. At night I’d have these terrible electrical storms in my feet, with cramping and sudden sharp pains that would come wave after wave, and heaven help me if I stood on something. I might not have been able to feel it on the surface of my foot but deep down inside my foot, it felt like id just impaled my foot on the smallest stone. So I went from being a totally barefoot diva, I HATE SHOES and anything on my feet, to not being able to go without shoes or at the very least socks…
Eventually this became a serious worry, as the pains are escalating and the loss of feeling is getting worse, worrying enough to go to the GP and ask for a referral. After a few blood tests the GP referred me only after informing that I do have type 2 diabetes, and wait for it its because you are “OBESE” but that’s where her services have ended I was passed off to the Clinic nurse. No matter there is more to that part of the story ….
After being referred to and seeing three doctors, a rheumatologist and two neurologists, supplying the local vampire bank with enough viles to keep them going for a week, and going through some “SHOCKING” tests (literally), I have been referred to two more Specialist, another Neurologist and a Diabetes specialist, because they still don’t really know what’s causing this. But the main consensus is I’ve been diabetic for a long time, although they don’t quite know why my sugar hasn’t been a problem until recently. That the loss of sensation is probably linked to this somehow, and that I’ve got irreparable nerve damage in both feet ( I’ve lost 20% of my sense of touch on my feet). Added to this the nerve damage seems to have changed how my body controls my body temperature . I now only sweat on my face and head , from the neck up, and because it’s over compensating it goes berserk.
The end result : I’m Constantly in pain, terrified that I’m going to spring a leak and look like a weird modern fountain, to the point that I’m too embarrassed to go out in case , so guess where I am back at square one , feeling inadequate and abnormal.
This is where I realised that I’ve been doing the Ostrich manoeuvre , I’ve been totally in denial, I have to do something about my weight, yes they are not looking at “ME” and looking further than my exterior and jumping to a conclusion, but just maybe that conclusion does weigh in to the factoring.
So after coming home from the last neurologist on Monday (he was very nice to me, which is what I think pushed me over the edge, I know its hard to understand or explain) and spending the better part of the afternoon in tears, of anger, frustration, humiliation and despair I made a decision.
I found a diet program online here in the UK that offers a service they supply three balanced meals, support and they deliver. I signed up, I started today. So going to take it step by step and see if loosing weight makes any difference to the pains in my feet, my overall tiredness, and hopefully praying for a miracle here reverse the type 2 diabetes and get the feeling back in my feet, reset my body’s electrical circuit…
I will not be a negative ninny on this …
IF ONLY IN HOPE WE GO FORWARD, THEN IN FAITH WE LIVE.ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
I have to believe that coming to the UK was partly to get to this point.
Thank you for staying with me through this rather long winded BLOG … keep an eye out for “Little Lotta on GO-Lower” my other Blog about the diet process.
Brightest Blessings in LOve and LIght
Namaste’
Sunday, 18 July 2010
A Macdonalds world and Spoilt child syndrome......
Greetings once again fellow travellers,
I've been meaning to get the Trolls tinkerings on the subject of "A MacDonald's world and Spoilt Child Syndrome" out of filling for a while, but as with life, every time I've thought I NEED to talk about this I am either not near my laptop or life intervenes.
The concept is basically this, alot of spoilt children, end up depressed adults, who battle with the day to day functions required to function as an adult, from house keeping to finances. And thanks to the MacDonald's world we live in, a world where instant gratification seems to be the norm, a previously Spoilt child, is highly likely to be "DOOMED" to a life of misadventures (the least pessimistic word that jumped to mind.)
I don't say this lightly, as in most things I write about I'm speaking from experience and observation.
I was one of those kids that never really wanted for anything, came from a middle class family, in a good neighbourhood,had working parents, who I know loved me and showed it in the best way knew how. In the way they thought would show how much they loved me, and in ways they felt they had never had growing up.
I was given 90% of what I asked for, i never really learnt what it meant to have to wait for something, before we had MacDonald's in South Africa, i was used to getting things almost instantly. Yes it probably wasn't the "brand" I wanted but it was the same thing. If i was upset I'd be given something, if I'd done well i was given something. If they wanted me to do something i was bribed to do it. instead of getting a comforting hug when i was upset, or praise when I'd done well, or explained the reason why they wanted me to do something, i was given things, material things that as I've grown older and developed more of an understanding of the world and whats important to me, I've realised aren't important.
So my lessons were, if you are sad you need to reward yourself with something be it food, or spending money even if you aren't really in the mood for it but somehow it will make you feel better. If anyone wants you to do something you don't really want to do, there has to be some sort of motivation, material motivation, financial motivation, just plain encouragement doesn't fit the bill because you cant quite get your head around it, serious "doubting Thomas" syndrome here, cant see, cant feel it, cant spend it, not real.
So armed with these lessons I merrily entered the adult world, with a view of how my life would be, I'd be married by 22 have three kids by the age of 28, have a career and work from home like my Mom did. and most importantly I'd be financially stable and have everything at my finger tips.
The Biggest cosmic joke of the Milena. I failed at all of this all because I failed to learn the one of the things that spoilt children never learn... PATIENCE.
We don't know whats it really means to have to save up and wait for something, or what really feels like to "WANT" something. Yes we knew we wanted things, but they were stupid things, inconsequential things. ( i say this in hind sight, but can clearly remember what it felt like not getting what i wanted then and there, because i still feel it now as an adult, and i know better now, we'll supposedly). And this is where we fall over, and trap ourselves in the dark devious tempestuous world of the "CREDIT CARD COMPANY!!!!".
Now days it may be a little more difficult to get credit, thanks to the recession but that has not stopped the Capitalistic Devils from hanging that damn carrot out in front of us saying "Here I'll give you lots of lovely virtual money, gratify yourself now, we can worry about the consequences later... oh and don't read the fine print cause at the end of this "WE" will own your soul." And we do we go out get that non existent money, and we get out fix, because in a warped way we are addicted to being spoilt, we are dependant on it, we need it to survive. BUT once the virtual limits been reached and we realise we are well and truly pickled. We panic, where are going to get more, how are we going to pay back the Devil, some of us are lucky enough to be able to turn to the same people who spoilt us as children and others of us aren't. either way we end up in this never ending spiral.
By the time we end up at this point we feel like failures because we remember those plans we had entering the BIG WORLD, and none of them meet what our expectations were. We do self destructive things, like spend the credit card payment for that month or even, not open the mail for months, all the time carrying on as if nothing is the matter, until the wolves are chasing you from all corners of the globe for their piece of flesh.
And when it feels like the scales going to totally tip over we either take responsibility for our actions and either, speak to the wolves or go hat in hand tail between our legs to the people who mean the most to us and tell them yet again that we have failed.
alot of trial, error and trying again to break it and mold it the way you want to be, and even then its still stronger than you are so you have to be STRONGER than you than you think you are, be DETERMINED, and most of all have FAITH, but not in the material stuff, FAITH that you will succeed, that you aren't a failure. that your SUCCESS is not based on things think you want, or that people want for you, but on what you have and what the UNIVERSE has provided for you.
In the beginning of this blog i mentioned I'm writing from experience and observation, one of the main things I've observed from watching my brother, and my housemate (who also came from a world where he got everything he wanted growing up to struggling to live up to the expectations his child hood have left him with), is that we all have a problem with authority. My brother and my housemate both behave like they are entitled that the world owes them something, and when they don't get their way, they get angry and aggressive. Where my problem with authority, i get angry when i don't get my own way but I'm passive aggressive, and i normally end up hurting myself in the process, while my brother and housemate manage to alienate those around them. BUT in essence we aren't gaining anything from it, and instead of stepping back and trying to explain our points of view calmly, and assertively , we implode or explode, attack or retreat. totally destructive, but tantrums no matter what we call them seem to be the only way we know how to deal with things.
I know this has gone on and on, and the whole way through it seems like I'm blaming my parents for giving me a good life, i know the did the best they knew how to do and I'm very grateful for the opportunities they gave me. and i can't change the past but i can change the future, my future, for warned is for armed, so with this realisation, I've started over, trying very hard to not repeat the things I always seem to fall back on.
The only thing I would really love is if , having read this, i help one of you to realise that a little bit of REALITY, helps too, there is a time and place for everything. I'm not saying never spoil a child, but BALANCE is important.
Its all positive in the end, as long as we learn something from it.
So going forward, i know I'm not a failure, even though, I've had a few tumbles and my drive through window seems to be closed, i will preserver, take one step at a time, and take each lesson as it comes.
Thank you for your time.
BRIGHTEST BLESSIGNS IN LOve and LIght
Namaste
I've been meaning to get the Trolls tinkerings on the subject of "A MacDonald's world and Spoilt Child Syndrome" out of filling for a while, but as with life, every time I've thought I NEED to talk about this I am either not near my laptop or life intervenes.
The concept is basically this, alot of spoilt children, end up depressed adults, who battle with the day to day functions required to function as an adult, from house keeping to finances. And thanks to the MacDonald's world we live in, a world where instant gratification seems to be the norm, a previously Spoilt child, is highly likely to be "DOOMED" to a life of misadventures (the least pessimistic word that jumped to mind.)
I don't say this lightly, as in most things I write about I'm speaking from experience and observation.
I was one of those kids that never really wanted for anything, came from a middle class family, in a good neighbourhood,had working parents, who I know loved me and showed it in the best way knew how. In the way they thought would show how much they loved me, and in ways they felt they had never had growing up.
I was given 90% of what I asked for, i never really learnt what it meant to have to wait for something, before we had MacDonald's in South Africa, i was used to getting things almost instantly. Yes it probably wasn't the "brand" I wanted but it was the same thing. If i was upset I'd be given something, if I'd done well i was given something. If they wanted me to do something i was bribed to do it. instead of getting a comforting hug when i was upset, or praise when I'd done well, or explained the reason why they wanted me to do something, i was given things, material things that as I've grown older and developed more of an understanding of the world and whats important to me, I've realised aren't important.
So my lessons were, if you are sad you need to reward yourself with something be it food, or spending money even if you aren't really in the mood for it but somehow it will make you feel better. If anyone wants you to do something you don't really want to do, there has to be some sort of motivation, material motivation, financial motivation, just plain encouragement doesn't fit the bill because you cant quite get your head around it, serious "doubting Thomas" syndrome here, cant see, cant feel it, cant spend it, not real.
So armed with these lessons I merrily entered the adult world, with a view of how my life would be, I'd be married by 22 have three kids by the age of 28, have a career and work from home like my Mom did. and most importantly I'd be financially stable and have everything at my finger tips.
The Biggest cosmic joke of the Milena. I failed at all of this all because I failed to learn the one of the things that spoilt children never learn... PATIENCE.
We don't know whats it really means to have to save up and wait for something, or what really feels like to "WANT" something. Yes we knew we wanted things, but they were stupid things, inconsequential things. ( i say this in hind sight, but can clearly remember what it felt like not getting what i wanted then and there, because i still feel it now as an adult, and i know better now, we'll supposedly). And this is where we fall over, and trap ourselves in the dark devious tempestuous world of the "CREDIT CARD COMPANY!!!!".
Now days it may be a little more difficult to get credit, thanks to the recession but that has not stopped the Capitalistic Devils from hanging that damn carrot out in front of us saying "Here I'll give you lots of lovely virtual money, gratify yourself now, we can worry about the consequences later... oh and don't read the fine print cause at the end of this "WE" will own your soul." And we do we go out get that non existent money, and we get out fix, because in a warped way we are addicted to being spoilt, we are dependant on it, we need it to survive. BUT once the virtual limits been reached and we realise we are well and truly pickled. We panic, where are going to get more, how are we going to pay back the Devil, some of us are lucky enough to be able to turn to the same people who spoilt us as children and others of us aren't. either way we end up in this never ending spiral.
By the time we end up at this point we feel like failures because we remember those plans we had entering the BIG WORLD, and none of them meet what our expectations were. We do self destructive things, like spend the credit card payment for that month or even, not open the mail for months, all the time carrying on as if nothing is the matter, until the wolves are chasing you from all corners of the globe for their piece of flesh.
And when it feels like the scales going to totally tip over we either take responsibility for our actions and either, speak to the wolves or go hat in hand tail between our legs to the people who mean the most to us and tell them yet again that we have failed.
alot of trial, error and trying again to break it and mold it the way you want to be, and even then its still stronger than you are so you have to be STRONGER than you than you think you are, be DETERMINED, and most of all have FAITH, but not in the material stuff, FAITH that you will succeed, that you aren't a failure. that your SUCCESS is not based on things think you want, or that people want for you, but on what you have and what the UNIVERSE has provided for you.
In the beginning of this blog i mentioned I'm writing from experience and observation, one of the main things I've observed from watching my brother, and my housemate (who also came from a world where he got everything he wanted growing up to struggling to live up to the expectations his child hood have left him with), is that we all have a problem with authority. My brother and my housemate both behave like they are entitled that the world owes them something, and when they don't get their way, they get angry and aggressive. Where my problem with authority, i get angry when i don't get my own way but I'm passive aggressive, and i normally end up hurting myself in the process, while my brother and housemate manage to alienate those around them. BUT in essence we aren't gaining anything from it, and instead of stepping back and trying to explain our points of view calmly, and assertively , we implode or explode, attack or retreat. totally destructive, but tantrums no matter what we call them seem to be the only way we know how to deal with things.
I know this has gone on and on, and the whole way through it seems like I'm blaming my parents for giving me a good life, i know the did the best they knew how to do and I'm very grateful for the opportunities they gave me. and i can't change the past but i can change the future, my future, for warned is for armed, so with this realisation, I've started over, trying very hard to not repeat the things I always seem to fall back on.
The only thing I would really love is if , having read this, i help one of you to realise that a little bit of REALITY, helps too, there is a time and place for everything. I'm not saying never spoil a child, but BALANCE is important.
Its all positive in the end, as long as we learn something from it.
So going forward, i know I'm not a failure, even though, I've had a few tumbles and my drive through window seems to be closed, i will preserver, take one step at a time, and take each lesson as it comes.
Thank you for your time.
BRIGHTEST BLESSIGNS IN LOve and LIght
Namaste
Thursday, 8 July 2010
living behind closed doors.
Greetings Fellow Travellers,
these trolls you know they seriously do a number on my brain.
Today I told a friend someone I love dearly that I'm Bi, I've known this lovely lady for almost ten years at least (if feels like we've known each other for centuries). But only now thousands of miles away did i pull the courage together to tell her.
why i ask myself?
the first time i came out of the closet, i told my mother, It started a six month period of not being spoken too, and many many years of trying to fix it.
when I first realised I was attracted to the fairer sex, one of my main rules was I wouldn't tell my parents unless I'd found love, the one person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. On this note I met someone, who I was deeply attracted to and being my first real attraction, well the first one I acknowledged to myself, I decided to tell my mother.
Bearing in mind, of all the people in the world,I thought she would be OK with me accept me for who I am. I come from a very big family, and I'm not the first nor will I be the last person to be attracted to the same sex. And my Mother has always accepted my cousins with open arms, never in a million years would I have expected her reaction when I told her.
I know its not fair on our parents, that the first thing they think of is that they did something wrong, but I know its not like that i didn't choose to be attracted to both, sex's. I didn't suddenly wake up and decided hey world, I'm going to choose the path of most resistance in my life. Where prejudice is likely to make my life even more difficult than t would have been if i just decided to stay on the Straight and narrow.
I think the worrying about how it affected my Mom, and how it has had some adverse affects on my life in the past has really left me feeling rather protective of my sexuality. but not only that of my myself. I have kept my life cloistered , compartmentalised into separate little boxes, My family, my friends, my faith, my sexuality, and me...
living away from home for so long and being separated from people whom I care for, for whom I would move heaven and earth for, both Family and friends, has helped me realise I've been living a half life.
It takes so much energy to keep everything separate, and at the same time while doing that I forget about the little person inside my body, she gets lost in the shuffle every time.
I am going home in December and the most important thing i keep thinking about is that I want to be open with everyone, to stop hiding.
My name is Jilli or Jewls, I am pagan, I am Bi, and I deeply love my family and my friends.
nothing in life is guaranteed. One of my favourite songs is "I never promised you a Rose garden", which is something i find very ironic, because although Roses are very beautiful, they still have thorns and cause pain. much like life, we should always promise each other Rose gardens.
Life is beautiful, the good the bad and the painful... its all beautiful in its own way.
see the trolls have been tinkering because i think I've lost the plot to my post i started out wanting to say something about living behind closed doors and opening it new doors and here I'm talking about rose gardens... but you get the jist i think.
i want to live in a ROSE garden with my friends and family, with all the doors open , and no closets to be seen.
HUGS xxx
BRIGHTEST BLESSING TO ALL OF YOU
SWEETEST DREAMS
HUGS XXX
these trolls you know they seriously do a number on my brain.
Today I told a friend someone I love dearly that I'm Bi, I've known this lovely lady for almost ten years at least (if feels like we've known each other for centuries). But only now thousands of miles away did i pull the courage together to tell her.
why i ask myself?
the first time i came out of the closet, i told my mother, It started a six month period of not being spoken too, and many many years of trying to fix it.
when I first realised I was attracted to the fairer sex, one of my main rules was I wouldn't tell my parents unless I'd found love, the one person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. On this note I met someone, who I was deeply attracted to and being my first real attraction, well the first one I acknowledged to myself, I decided to tell my mother.
Bearing in mind, of all the people in the world,I thought she would be OK with me accept me for who I am. I come from a very big family, and I'm not the first nor will I be the last person to be attracted to the same sex. And my Mother has always accepted my cousins with open arms, never in a million years would I have expected her reaction when I told her.
I know its not fair on our parents, that the first thing they think of is that they did something wrong, but I know its not like that i didn't choose to be attracted to both, sex's. I didn't suddenly wake up and decided hey world, I'm going to choose the path of most resistance in my life. Where prejudice is likely to make my life even more difficult than t would have been if i just decided to stay on the Straight and narrow.
I think the worrying about how it affected my Mom, and how it has had some adverse affects on my life in the past has really left me feeling rather protective of my sexuality. but not only that of my myself. I have kept my life cloistered , compartmentalised into separate little boxes, My family, my friends, my faith, my sexuality, and me...
living away from home for so long and being separated from people whom I care for, for whom I would move heaven and earth for, both Family and friends, has helped me realise I've been living a half life.
It takes so much energy to keep everything separate, and at the same time while doing that I forget about the little person inside my body, she gets lost in the shuffle every time.
I am going home in December and the most important thing i keep thinking about is that I want to be open with everyone, to stop hiding.
My name is Jilli or Jewls, I am pagan, I am Bi, and I deeply love my family and my friends.
nothing in life is guaranteed. One of my favourite songs is "I never promised you a Rose garden", which is something i find very ironic, because although Roses are very beautiful, they still have thorns and cause pain. much like life, we should always promise each other Rose gardens.
Life is beautiful, the good the bad and the painful... its all beautiful in its own way.
see the trolls have been tinkering because i think I've lost the plot to my post i started out wanting to say something about living behind closed doors and opening it new doors and here I'm talking about rose gardens... but you get the jist i think.
i want to live in a ROSE garden with my friends and family, with all the doors open , and no closets to be seen.
HUGS xxx
BRIGHTEST BLESSING TO ALL OF YOU
SWEETEST DREAMS
HUGS XXX
Sunday, 4 July 2010
An introduction
Greetings fellow travellers of the world we call earth, of the pathways we call life.
I have these little "Trolls" in my head who tinker away, sometimes they make sense at other times they just spew nonsense. 99% of the time they just simply confuse me .
This Blog will be my attempt to interpret the "Tinkering Trolls in my Head" so please bare with me. Any comments and or hints on how to deal with said "Trolls" which does not result in accommodation in a lovely four by four padded cell,without a view, will be greatly appreciated.
Many know me, most think I am a little eccentric, sometimes strange, but the general consensus is "I think way too much"... so my thoughts aka "Tinkering Trolls", are going to be excised..
You can look forward to comments on society, childhood, bullies both childhood and adult, religion, non-politics (I am so not political ..), arty farty commentary, love, loss, friendship, hope, despair, culture shock.... in other words too many things to mention.
I'm looking forward to opening this can of worms...
Let the Tinkering ....
BEGIN!
I have these little "Trolls" in my head who tinker away, sometimes they make sense at other times they just spew nonsense. 99% of the time they just simply confuse me .
This Blog will be my attempt to interpret the "Tinkering Trolls in my Head" so please bare with me. Any comments and or hints on how to deal with said "Trolls" which does not result in accommodation in a lovely four by four padded cell,without a view, will be greatly appreciated.
Many know me, most think I am a little eccentric, sometimes strange, but the general consensus is "I think way too much"... so my thoughts aka "Tinkering Trolls", are going to be excised..
You can look forward to comments on society, childhood, bullies both childhood and adult, religion, non-politics (I am so not political ..), arty farty commentary, love, loss, friendship, hope, despair, culture shock.... in other words too many things to mention.
I'm looking forward to opening this can of worms...
Let the Tinkering ....
BEGIN!
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